My Lean In Story

As I started reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, I had to put it down multiple times, shell-shocked! How come she was in my head talking about each of my issues as her issues, and speaking the words that could be coming out of my mouth! To realize that someone as powerful and successful as Sheryl (5th in the World’s Most Powerful Women Forbes List, like really!!) has felt many moments of self-doubt, feelings of the Imposter Syndrome, feeling guilty of her achievements, constantly judging herself to a higher standard, wanting to be liked by everyone, trying to smile through difficult situations and even bursting in tears in the office in front of her boss made me feel communal and validated! Clearly, we must be soul sisters connected via an invisible web of neural transmitters. I have experienced almost every trait Sheryl talks about in the book and more. It is disheartening to know that a majority (or all?!) women feel this way and yet an enlightening feeling to know that it is okay to feel vulnerable, it is okay to feel a bit scared, it’s okay to take a risk and stretch yourself as long as we learn the tricks of the game and fake it till we make it.

In my own career, I have gone through many ups and downs, moved countries after marriage, been forced to sit at home as my visa status did not allow me to work, taken a break to raise my family, and fought tooth and nail to get back in the workforce. Someone once put me down for staying at home raising my family and supposedly cruising through life while she was working non-stop and raising her kids! I have been on both sides of the grass and know never to judge anyone for their choices. It is hard staying at home and raising kids and it is hard working full time and raising kids. It has not been an easy journey, but it has been very educational, and in hindsight, sometimes a very entertaining one.

I have had a friend tell me that as a hiring manager he never looks at a resume with a break in it and tosses it straight into the trash. Yet I have also had a friend who believed in me and entrusted me with establishing and leading the Social Media platform for his company! I am thankful for the first one for discouraging me and, at the same time, getting me fired up to prove him wrong. I will also be eternally grateful to the second one for believing in me and giving me that opportunity. I haven't looked back ever since.

I have had wonderful male and female bosses who trusted me to do big projects based on my potential, pushed me to think harder, shone the spotlight on me to acknowledge my successes and supported me in every way possible in my career goals, even offering their shoulder when I heard particularly devastating news and could not hold it together.

And yes, I have also fought back with a boss who once tried to humiliate me in front of the whole office - I was a mere fresh graduate who dared to challenge a particularly sexist male VP in India. I cried while I stood up for myself but I am damn proud of it. Interestingly years later I got a Facebook friend request from him which I never accepted! Of course, I have learned a great many lessons since my early days! I have learned to stand up for what is right, ask for my due promotions, raises, more challenging projects, and been commended for keeping calm and being a professional in very difficult situations. I have learned to say I don't know it yet but I will and scrambled like crazy to learn while appearing calm on the surface with a smile on! And I have so much to learn still.

As a woman manager and a mother of girls, I am strongly committed to helping women junior to me become self-assured, accomplished, and confident. It does sound like a cliché but I believe my biggest achievement is raising fiercely independent and strong daughters. My daughter read Lean In in her freshman year (9th grade) and was so moved and motivated by it that she started a Lean In club at her high school, realizing the need to address and help overcome the insecurities and uncertainty of high school teenage girls. It is heartening to see how eager both male and female executives in the Bay Area have been in supporting her club.

Thanks to all the strong women before me and the strong young ones, I see more women taking the seat at the table making loud yet compelling noise with a smile on their faces and hands raised. If we want to achieve a 50/50 balance in the workplace, we need to start young. We need to tell girls to not be ashamed if they are called bossy but wear it as a proud badge. Bossy girl = Leader in making! We have a long way to go but I am very hopeful and excited about the future.

Oh, my daughter's favorite t-shirt these days is "Pretty like Daddy, Smart like Mommy"!!

Ending this with one of my favorite quotes:

Shame and Anger.

This is not an easy blog to write. It comes from our collective shame and anger from recent rape case in India's capital city, Delhi. While this is not an isolated case and this is not the only city in the world where this happens. The question that is burning in our heart is that, "Why is this being allowed to happen all over the world, everyday, every minute?" Even while we are talking here, some one is getting raped somewhere. Why are we not teaching our boys at a grass root level that they must respect women by either a lesson in morals or by a lesson in making an example out of these criminals and showing that these monsters pay a heavy price for their crime? I am all for teaching them about this gruesome crime by even making them visit the hospital wards and observing the victims. When we can take the teens to hospitals and show them the aftermath of a drunk driving/ text driving why not for this? How about making a mandatory course that teaches kids humanity, compassion and empathy?

There is nothing new nothing, nothing revolutionary that I am going to say that has never been said before but I think it is time that all women start saying this loud and clear that, we will not tolerate this any more.

The heavy weight politicians/personalities who say that the girl's clothes or mannerism provoked this crime, can they say that countries that advocate their women to cover up, have no rape cases at all? Women are safer there?

And what about the US judge who ruled that the women did not resist enough, so the sentencing was reduced by 10 year.

Sadly, I feel no optimism today. Only anger and shame. Today I just need to close my mind and heal. Tomorrow will be different.

Beautiful on the inside!

Last week I had a very interesting discussion with my daughter on our drive to school early morning. The sky was grey, there was chill in the air foreboding the advent of winter season in our sunny California. Anything that takes our sunshine away is nothing less than evil to a true Californian.

She comment how she doesn't like Winter as it brings the grey melancholy sky, depressing rain and worst of all bare trees. "Oh, I just don't like bare trees. They look so sad and ugly."

Her last line caught my attention/ had me raise my eyebrow in concern. While I myself don't like winter that much. I just love trees. I love the different forms and shapes of trees in every seasons. I love the changing colors of tree leaves and flowers they adorn. I just love how stout they stand and brave the inclement weather. Ask my husband and he will shake his head and tell you how I ended up in an accident as I was admiring the beautiful fall color of this magnificent yellow tree while driving!! It is difficult to explain to an Insurance agent how I didn't watch the road as I was watching the tree!! (in my defense it was for a split second but there I was admiring the tree and making a mental note to bring my camera with me next day..)

So I decided to help my daughter try to see the other side of the coin. I asked her, "Do you know why trees shed leaves during fall?" She answered, "Yeah yeah, I know it is to prepare for winter." I probed,"How does it help the tree?" She said, "It closes all the pores so that frost doesn't get in the tree and kill it. I know all that Mamma. Its just I really miss these beautiful green leaves and flowers. It just doesn't look pretty bare."

"Well", I said, "have you thought of the beauty of a tree's survival instinct. The bravery of its soul and tenacity of its character while it sheds all its outer beauty so that it can protect the life form within?" I prodded her to consider the absolute beauty in the strength and bravery. "For a tree to know that it must shed all its lush leaves and flowers so that it can sprout the delicate bud of the spring in the due course of time when the weather is more forgiving/congenial/welcoming! It is to be bare and ugly on the outside now so that the future will bring beauty that it protect inside all winter. Is it not the strength that is the real beauty which is inside? We don't see it with our eyes but the tree has it inside all the time! Think about it!"

Is it not true to our human nature as well, to look and admire the beauty on the outside but overlook the beauty on the inside that is deeper, stronger and forever there compared to the outside beauty that may/will wither?

My Favorite Fall Trees

Fly, my child, fly!

I prayed every moment that went by
for a sweet little child to play in my heart
to take her hands and to fly
to hear a giggle and a squeal
a tiny footprint on my soul
that carries my love from day to dreams..

And the day you were born
we were blessed
eyes mist with tears
heart filled with cheers
soul delirious
happiness all around..

You bring melody to our heart
your laughter fills our lives
and as time goes by
always remember

You are our blessing,
You are our joy,
You are our pride,
and our prayer
You are special
and you are born to fly..

Be the brave one when others fear

be the kind one when other hesitates 

be the gentle one and soar with the wind 

let your courage take you high

Fly, my child fly!

Change your sunglasses!

I misplaced my sunglasses and had to go hunt for new ones. I have gotten tired of changing my prescription regular glasses to prescription sunglasses every time I am in the sun and have resorted to just wearing the wrap around sun glasses that sits over your glasses. They are big and ugly and don't come in many variations. So I did have to hunt for an acceptable one. The one I got is a different color tint than the ones I have used so far.

I walk out the store and put on my new glasses and saw my world view change dramatically. Everything looked new, vibrant and full of energy. It was exhilarating and energizing!! Seriously. Looking through different point of view to gain new perspective suddenly took on a whole new meaning, at the same time validating the old wisdom.

That is all we have to do, is to sometime step back and look at things differently. It is good to once in a while  try to see the world differently. There are so many hue and connotations to the world around us, people around us that relaxing our view point and opening our mind to new experiences can enrich our lives. So go ahead, change your sunglasses, experiment, step out of your comfort zone and you never know you may discover something new, different and something worthwhile. 

Love can hurt also!!

Today on the way back home, after soccer, in the car...

Nandini: Shivali, you have to read books. You know it is very very very bad that you are not reading books. You are so lucky that you can read and have so many books.. When you will grow up, people will ask you - have you read, Harry Potter series...no, have you read Nancy Drew series...no, have you read The Chronicles of Narnia...no. So you know what, from now on if you don't read 2 books a week, I won't talk to you the whole of Sunday.

Shivali: WHAT??!!!

Nandini: Yes. And if I do talk, that would be accidental and so don't you go and take advantage of that. OK. 

Shivali: Why would you do that to me? It is not nice that you won't talk to me for a whole day. Which sister says that to her sister that she will not talk to her? That's not how good sisters behave.

Nandini: Tell me Shivali, am I a mean bratty sister or a kind loving one. Not talking to you for a whole day I agree, it can be both, a mean sister and a loving one. Am I a mean one like Candace (ref: Phineas and Ferb, TV show)? Am I selfish? Do I tattle tale on you? Or am I a loving kind sister who wants the best for you? Who wants you to read books for your own good? Which one do you think I am? Do you want to grow up and then realize that your sister wanted you to read books for your own good and not for her good but your own good? I am only doing this for your own good. In fact it is bad for me. You know it will be hard for me to not talk to you also.

Shivali: But does that mean that I have to read 2 whole books... 8 chapters each??

Nandini: Shivali, I can read that in an hour!!!

Shivali: You are bragging. It’s not nice to brag.

Nandini: NO, I am not. You can read it in a day.

Shivali: But why would you give me such a punishment? I am not happy about this. I won't play with you ever... Does that mean I can't talk with you??

Nandini: No it means that you can go ahead and talk but you won't get a response from me till you read your books. It is not a punishment; in fact I actually dread doing that.

Shivali: What does dread mean?

Nandini: (explains what dread means)

Shivali: I still don't like it. Do you know how bored I will get if I can't talk to you, play with you all day?

Nandini: Shivali, you don't get this. I am trying to help you here. OK, so how about then you have to read just one and half… OK… OK just one book.

And there I was driving back home and paying attention to the road but trying desperately hard to remember the conversation for posterity!!

Isn't this true how often we take the good advice also in a wrong way and not see that the other person means well. And also isn't it often that we give well meaning advice with some condition that actually does more harm than good. 

Making Friends.

Making friends and nurturing them is an art.

I some time excel in it and some time suck at it. I remember how difficult it was for me to make friends in school. I lived in my family's shadow. So where ever I went, I was someone's daughter or sister.

But by the time I reached college, I made a monumental decision about myself.. I was going to start fresh without the past baggage with a new identity and just be myself. The anonymity of college gave me fresh life and I excelled in making friends. I still nurture some deepest connections I made during that phase. The attention I got was because of me, not because of my family. I had learned the art of making friends. All it needed was for me to smile and extend my hand in friendship. It came easy after overcoming the initial shyness. I learned how to make friends and be one... In my naiveness I decided to be a friend to everyone that life brought along.

And then I learned the hard way that you can't be friends with everyone. You cannot have everyone you meet, be your friend and even like you. And I don't have to like everyone I meet! In fact I had to learn to accept the fact that no matter what I do, some may hate me with an intensity that I can not undo. It is their choice. And It is my choice to like who I like and whom I don't. I also learned that I have to stop trying so hard for people to like me, accept me. Because those who like me will like me no matter what and those who don't, will not like me no matter what! I became selective and choosy about my friendship.

So now with all this life time accumulated wisdom about friendship, how does it makes sense that life has still some more lessons to teach you! I thought I had learnt the art of choosing the right friend. But what I didn't know was that friends can change also. And that can take the wind out of your sail.

Sometimes you have to try really hard to nurture a friendship and sometimes you have to accept the fact that it cannot be fixed.

Life is too short to try to fix a toxic one and too short to not try to fix some. And it comes with experiences to know which one to pick and which one to let go. Or am I still being naive??!!